October

October is the start of fall and usually when we turn our furnace on…which means stuffy dry noses and higher utility bills!  While our bills have been in the same price range for the past couple of years, it still is sad when we have to make that switch over. 

I had some goals for September that I’d like to revisit.

1.     Track and control spending

2.    Track my eating.

I’m going to start w/ #2.  I stopped tracking.  I’m done, I’m over it and I need to embrace that and not worry about it.  WW’s was more money out of my pocket and I’m not committed and it’s just stressing me out more and more by not doing it and paying for it.  It’s not worth the upset to me anymore.  I want to focus more on meal planning, incorporating more fruits and veggies to each meal and in the end I hope to eat healthier and will lose weight.  I will start tracking again, but more loosely, like just the meal and the portion size vs. calories/points.  I haven’t had a period since the end of July and it’s getting extremely frustrating by the day.  I was having every pregnancy symptom under the sun and received all negative tests, including a negative ultrasound and blood test.  So I’m taking progesterone for a couple of weeks to see what happens and hopefully my period comes back soon!  We want to have another baby, but that won’t happen until the monthly visitor shows back up and I can keep track again!  I believe my weight has quite a bit to do w/ it, so I just have to figure out the best way for me to lose weight and get it together. 

 

#1… track and control spending!  We NAILED this!  I wasn’t so much worried about “controlling” as I was with tracking it.  And I tracked and tracked and tracked some more!  We overspent in a few areas, but not near as badly as I thought!  We need to work on eating out and grocery spending, but those can both help get my eating and weight loss on track!  It’s amazing how things you didn’t think were related actually are.

October… wow… where has this year gone?  E will be 2, I have another niece/nephew on the way and I have another couple of goals in mind.

1.      Track my spending

2.    Meal plan

a.    Two meals per week for me

b.    Two meals per week for Hubby

If we meal plan like that, I think we will have plenty of leftovers for lunches and dinners and we won’t overspend and we won’t waste near as much.  Our works schedules can be crazy and sometimes we end up wasting more than we actually eat. 

            So here is to a new month and new goals!!!

 

Stress and goals...

Here it is my update…STRESS!  Unbelievable mental stress right now and I need to just chill and calm down.  I’m having some “woman” issues and it’s causing me more stress than necessary.  But I promised myself that this month, no matter what, I would make sure to follow up on my goals.  Tracking expenses and my eating.

This week I tracked every dime and we over spent, but I can see why and how!  It’s such a revelation and I’m proud of myself and us.  We are talking more about our money, what is coming in and going out and it’s really making more and more sense where we overspend and why.

1.     We don’t see each other often, so when we do, we tend to spend money. 

2.    We try to “stock up” when we can

So my DH decided to stay home from work this past Friday b/c he was going away for the weekend for his military duty.  So we met up on my way home from work and picked up a few items of clothing for our E.  She needs the next size up in all her fall/winter clothes and Kohl’s was having a wonderful sale.  I set a budget of $40 and we only spent $31!  I was very happy that I stuck to it.  There is a big consignment sale coming up in October in our area, so I will use $9 I didn’t spend and get 3-4 more items.  Since it’s rare that we actually see each other during the week we decided to grab E from daycare and go out to eat.  I was disappointed in my meal, but DH was happy and E loved some tortilla chips, another $32.  What other way to spend an impromptu family date night then to stop and get frozen yogurt?  We did, but we’ve discovered those self-serve places, you can spend as much or as little as YOU want.  For 3 of us we spent $6.50, quite pleased w/ that!  Basically we spent $70 that wasn’t budgeted for this week.  Did we have it?  We sure did, thanks to DH’s overtime, but should do that every month?  Probably not.

Since its DH’s duty weekend, my Mom came to babysit and we were running low on bulk items (trash bags, paper plates, diapers, laundry/dish soap) and Mom has a Sam’s Club membership so shopping was the name of the day!  We decided to just eat out ($47, but putting $20 back in cash for Mom’s part of the bill) and then shopping for all our necessities.  I totally forgot to add everything up as I went along (I had a list!) but I made a point to walk back through and add up everything so I had an idea of what I was going to spend…$131.  I was actually pleased.  Almost everything I got is going to last us 3 months, if not more, so basically (as a friend pointed out!) that is $43 a month.  Not too shabby in my opinion!  The only problem is, I considered all those things as “grocery” items and since I haven’t planned any meals this month ahead of time, I’m concerned how much more a hit our budget is going to take.  We are at $253 already; I’ll be paying for our meat delivery this week ($260) so that leaves us w/ only $27 left for the month.  I know we will go over that, but I’m happy to see where it’s going and how we are spending it. 

I’m really happy about our budget and where we at right now.  It’s going to a be a work in progress for a few months, but in the mean time I can get a good look at the mistakes we are/were making and make an effort to change them. 

 

My 2^nd goal…my eating…le sigh!  I lost 1 pound this week, not sure how, but I did.  My eating, well, it’s not under control and I did my usual skip out on tracking.  I’ve loved WW’s in the past, but I do not love it anymore.  I think I’m going to go to good old pen and paper, just writing down everything, good, bad or ugly.  Not necessarily focus on the calories, so much as the serving sizes and how often I’m eating.   I need to work on eating more often and much smaller portions, rather than saying “Oh, I can’t eat this/that”.  I like food, I want to be able to eat it, but like our budget I need to plan for it.  I need to decide if dessert is worth the cost, not just hiking up the bill, but is it worth to me?  I need to do some serious thinking and figuring out how I want to tackle my weight. 

 

I know each week is going to bring something different and I’m going to have to do some tweaking in my goals, but I’m ready.  I want to do it!

Re-evaluate September goals

I’ve decided to have a goal within a goal this month.  That goal is to re-evaluate my two big goals each week to see how we are doing.  I set 2 goals for September.

1.     Get control of family spending

2.    Track my eating

Taking a look at our family spending didn’t upset me and make me want to cry like I originally thought.  I took everything we HAVE to pay and made a list.  This is what it looks like…

House

Car

Personal Loan

Prime grocer

Daycare

Car Insurance

AT&T

Veterinary

Verizon

Dominion Gas

Electric

Waste Management

Water

GE Card (A/C unit)

Citi Card

Sears Card

Fifth Third (5/3) Card

Best Buy

Home Depot

Capital One Card

Kohl's Credit Card

Target Credit Card

 

The 22 items listed are all bills that HAVE to be paid monthly and accounts for $3200 each month (we recently paid off the one’s crossed out).  We bring home on average $4600.  So why does it seem like we never have any money?  Easily explained, we don’t meal plan and we blow sometimes $600+ a month on groceries.  We are commuters (30+ minutes each), so we both have to have a vehicle and gas cost $380 a month.  $5-$30 on fast food (WHAT?!?!) and various $5 we need this/that/the other shopping.  It all adds up!

So I broke it down and got the smack in the face that I’m the one over spending.  I’m the impulse shopper or “oh, we need this” instead of waiting and planning for it.  This month we are looking over what we spend.  Even though I’m using a couple of different online programs to help me track, I’m also writing everything down.  I think it’s going to really help us when we put our budget into play in October.  I’m really optimistic that we can get this figured out. 

Now, goal #2.  Tracking my eating.  Why is this so hard for me?  I tracked 5 out of 7 days.  I tracked better in the morning, than the evening and by the end of the week I wasn’t tracking at all.  I did weigh myself yesterday  morning b/c we were planning on having pizza (the first time in over a month) and I know that I have very little control when it comes to pizza.  I only had fast food twice, once was Subway, which is not completely unhealthy, but you have to pay attention.  Enjoying a foot long Cold Cut Combo (hey, it was on wheat bread) w/ pepper jack cheese and light mayo, w/ a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and 2 chocolate chip cookies isn’t all bad, right?  RIGHT?!?!?!  Omg, the amount of calories consumed there should have been the only thing I ate all day.  Was it?  Nope, I ate dinner that night, didn’t even try to limit my calories.  The other day was Friday, I had Chipotle taco’s for lunch…chicken, w/ all the fixings.  Definitely need to only consume one of those a week.  Heck, even cut it back to once a month!  That is the goal!  Menu plan and cut out the fast food or impulse eating. 

I honestly think I'm in a good place with our goals this month.  Let's see what next week brings!

Talking to a toddler...

I've been focusing on myself and goals, with brief mentions of my family.  So I thought I'd share a moment w/ my little girl, E. 

I don't know about you, but I swear talking to my toddler is like talking to a brick wall. 
"E, we don't put our feet on the table."
"E, two hands on your cup"
"E, we use soft hands on puppy"
"E, we don't hit!"
"E, can you put your blocks in the bag? No we aren't playing w/ puzzles now, please help Mommy put blocks away"
"E, don't lick the dogs foot, eww"
I sound like a broken record and I want to smack my head against the wall at times. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, they can be taught!

We don't have a set play area, so our living room typically looks like a bomb went off. And since our house is a somewhat open floor plan, the toys spill into other rooms and into E's bedroom. Case in point, one of the most obnoxious toys in the world, Vtech Ladybug Crazy Legs



was left in the kitchen last night and I kicked it at 5a this morning! Thankfully, it didn't go off, even though it was still turned on (it does NOT have a valume control button! A toy purchased by a grandparent that is not subjected to it's obnoxiness!) E loves it, of course...

Back to my point...

I'm constantly trying to teach E that we need to pick up and clean up after we are done playing w/ something. Puzzles, blocks, Little People have been known to be under couches, in couches, inside decorative pitchers or baskets...pretty much wherever those things will fit they have been FOUND! E currently has a fascination w/ piggies. She picked a stuffed piggy at the fair after my DH put our life savings on the line (not really, but seemed like it!). We now hear joyous shouts of "Pitty, pitty!" through the house, there is almost always a pig in her hand, either her Little People pig, her new stuffed pig, her piggy bank (real) or one of the best toys ever, her Fisher Price Piggy Bank.



Before bed last night, in the midst of the fruitless "E, it's bedtime, let's pick up our toys!", I hear "Pitty, pitty!". She joyously runs over and grabs piggy from his shelf and sits in the middle of floor, dragging me down w/ her saying "Mommy, pitty, too!". So for 10 minutes give or take, we counted and put coins in the piggy, sang and danced. Time for bed! I left the room to get E's bed ready, turn her music on, so and so forth. I come back to the living room and retrieve the reluctant E and off to bed.
I get her settled in and return to the living room and start picking up the rest of the toys.

Wait a minute...where is piggy? We were playing w/ it in the middle of the floor, where could it have gone? I start looking around, figuring she hid it in her "house"...nope...behind the couch? Nope...what is that? Over on the shelf? OMG, IT'S PIGGY! Evie had put all the coins back in, picked it up and put it back on the shelf, all by herself and WITHOUT being asked!!!!!!
Talk about a proud mommy! One less thing to pick up and omg, she's learning! SQUEEEEEEEE! *insert happy dance*

New Month = New Goals

I have the tendency to make goals, then I break the goals. I do this all the time, it's shameful really, but I still do it. I'm not teaching my daughter anything if I say we are going to do something and then we don't do it. So it's September 1st...what goal(s) should I have for this month?

1. Get control of family spending...

How do I/we do this? Well, step one we are writing everything down. I'm even going to write down my personal account. I want to track every penny spent so I can get an idea where and why we are spending so much money!

Today I pulled out a "1 subject, spiral wide ruled notebook". It's been A LOT of years since DH or I have been in school, so I couldn't tell you where this thing came from; the pages are yellowed, if that tells you anything! I marked pages for each account to use like a check ledger, then a generic page to just write what was bought daily. I'm going to make this work for us until I figure out something better.

Over the past year I've been keeping track of our bills and trying to keep up w/ what needs to be paid each month. I've been doing this since January and I've still be struggling to get our savings in order and keep our spending down. So, here I am, I'm trying to put all the writing and keeping track of in one place and tackle our spending. 




2. Track my eating...


I'm a lackadaisical Weight Watcher member. I pay for the online program each month, yet I only follow it for about 3 days a week. There is no reason for it. I have app's on my phone for it, we have the internet back at home, I have the internet at work. Why am I so erratic? Guilty conscience probably, I know I'm eating poorly and cheating myself and the program, so I just stop. Seems like the most logical explanation. I honestly think it's b/c I'm just plain lazy. I admit it, I'm a lazy fat ass. I'm 254lbs, I'm allowed to call myself a fat ass. I have no one to blame but myself at this point, I've done nothing to stop the expansion, nor to reduce it! I have to start w/ baby steps. 



Since I'm writing everything done money wise this month, the least I can do is write down everything food wise. Right, wrong or indifferent...whether or not I exceed my points...I have to track and see what I'm doing. 


So, my two goals for this month.

1. Write down all expenses...bills, eating out, groceries, gas...EVERYTHING!

2. Write down (input!) everything that goes in my mouth...breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, drinks...EVERYTHING!!!!

September changes

Not just the weather, but OMG, I'm so glad we will start seeing cooler temperatures, it's been brutal in Ohio this year!

No, my little family needs a serious make over.  Inside and out...

Our little Evil One decided eating is over rated, tantrums are awesome and has decided to start biting.  So timeouts are now being heavily enforced.

Our finances have been AWFUL! (who's isn't?!?!)  Overspending, things breaking that HAD to be repaired, forgotten payments and late fees, emergency dental work...CHA CHING CHA CHING CHA CHING!

Me...physically?  Well, I'm struggling, as usual.  I don't know what it is mentally that makes me ignore myself physically, it's just something in my head.  I had an emergency root canal, the first time I've ever had anything wrong w/ my teeth!  All the scheduling for that really threw off what I was doing to work out, so I started neglecting that, which lead to neglecting any healthy eating.  I saw my OB for my annual/bi annual check up, last week and she gave me a reality check.  Over the last 6 years I've had repeat abnormal pap's and diagnosed w/ HPV.  It's not changed or spread, but I have a pap done almost every 6 months to make sure nothing needs to be addressed.  While talking to her I brought up the fact that I've been "trying" to lose weight and I'm having no success, maybe it was a horomonal issue?  In a nutshell she told me to get off my big butt and hit the cardio and hit it hard.  I cried...nothing unusual for visits w/ her, she's wonderful, but doesn't pull any punches.  She talked w/ me about my eating habits and pushed cardio cardio cardio.  My husband recently became a distributor for Advocare (I'll add his link at another time), it helps w/ weight loss and has some wonderful products, that actually taste good.  I'm trying to buckle down and dedicate myself to his products, meal planning, using WW's and planning workouts. 

In not taking care of myself, I haven't taken time for myself, away from my little family, so I finally did!  I had a girls day out yesterday that I sooooooooo needed.  I went to the WGAR Country Jam w/ a couple of friends, an all day music festival.  It was a BLAST!  I made some poor decisions, but as an adult, thankfully I'm responsible enough to say "WTF was I THINKING!" and plan on not doing those things again.  And I told my husband about the whole day, leaving no details out.  Even when I make stupid decisions, I know my husband will just shake his head and listen.  He knows I've already berated myself, there is no need for him too.  Today I'm sunburned, hoarse and TIRED! 

So onto goals for September...
1.  Write our calendar for the month including our work schedules, appointments, and all bills.
2.  Write down all spending, in personal and joint accounts.
3.  Work out daily...Evie likes to go places...so walk there!  Pick up on cardio, no excuses.
4.  Make a date night and celebrate our relationship and nurture it to it's fullest!
5.  Schedule an appointment w/ the counselor. 

Hmmm, Dedication.

Dedication

Yep, I really have none.  Zero, zip, zilch!  I don't know why.  It's extremely confusing to me because I was always pushed by my parents.  Case in point, my junior year in highschool I said I was too dumb for college and I was just going to get a job at McDonald's and do that.  My Mom said "NO WAY IN HELL!"  She didn't mean anything against McDonald's employees, she was one for 12-14 yrs!  She was a manager and she did extremely well, then she decided it wasn't enough for her, she had a drive to do something else.  So when I was 3 yrs old she went back to school to become a nurse.  She worked at McDonald's and took 1-2 classes per quarter for 6 years!  She graduated when I was 9 and has been a nurse ever since!  She had some serious dedication, determination and drive.  She gave that to me, when it comes to learning...book learning. 

My parents, mainly Mom, pushed and pushed and pushed for me to study and learn and it paid off.  I graduated 44th in my class of almost 480 people.  I was on Honor Roll and National Honor Society.  I worked my ass to the bone to get straight A's my junior and senior year to get there.  I hated every stinking minute of it!  I felt no pride in what I was doing, it was just more hard work.  But I had dedication, I made a goal, stuck to it and I succeeded. 

Why oh why, can't I find that dedication any longer?  In anything?  I make a plan, do it for a week maybe a month, slack off, start all over again.  House cleaning, cooking, laundry, weight loss...yep, start it, quit it...start it, quit it.  So frustrating and I can't seem to dig deep enough to find the dedication I need.

So back to square one...Weight loss!
Where am I?  2lbs down as of last Sunday.  Why am I 2 lbs down you ask?  Well, b/c I had an emergency root canal and I've had to eat on one side of my mouth for a week or more.  How have I done this week?  Well, I have not eaten fast food, but I have had an Almond Joy, cheese popcorn and chocolate milk.  My hubby has been on dayshift this week so we've actually had family meals (UNHEARD OF!), but we've also had ice cream every night after the little one has gone to bed.  Will I be down any more weight?  Doubtful, mainly because I haven't tracked (IT'S RIGHT ON YOUR PHONE AND YOU HAVE INTERNET AGAIN! WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM DOING IT?!?!?!) So frustrating...I have the want, the DESIRE, but not the DEDICATION or WILLPOWER!

Again, how do I find it?  It's in me, I know it is.  I found it 15 years ago (OMG, that's a long time!)...I need to find it again! 

First time on the scale...

It really wasn't, but I'm saying it was for this goal.  What did it say?  Down 2lbs!  I'm now 253lbs...WOO!  YAY! 
Will it stay off? Gosh, I hope so, but I don't feel very confident that it will.  Why?  Multiple reasons.

1.  I indulged...I had a treat meal...why did I do that?
2.  I gave into the convenience of fast food rather than cook dinner.
3.  My period is looming, I'm actually 2 days late, but it doesn't always show on time, I'm feeling some symptoms.
4.  I've only scheduled work outs 3 days this week.
5.  I didn't immediately track my food choices Sun - Tues, so I went back and I'm sure I missed things.

Let's address #1.  A treat meal.  What is this?  For me it was Mr. Hero, a 10" Romanburger w/ a side of waffle fries and a root beer.  A 10" SANDWICH, w/ salami, small hamburger patties (3 to be exact!), cheese, oil mixture, onions, lettuce and mayo!  So delicious, but so unhealthy, I'm sure loaded in saturated fat, grease and just pure blah!  My heartburn later that night was proof enough that it's something I shouldn't have consumed.  What annoyed me about the whole thing?  They have a mini one!  What is wrong w/ me that I can't make the smarter choice?  If I'm going to treat myself, I just need the taste, not the whole container.  My husband can sit down to a treat and just eat a taste.  A pint of ice cream is something I can't even think about it, I will eat the whole thing!  My hubby, 2 or 3 spoonfuls, he makes those things last WEEKS!!!  He did enjoy the same exact meal as me w/ the same exact results (heartburn!), so I know he does have weaknesses, but he's also pretty thin and has amazing will power when it comes to sweets.  What can I do differently?  Well, that one is easy, stop having treat "meals"...have a treat snack to begin with, then once I get over this need to be "treated" w/ food, make it a physical treat (clothes, shoes, nail polish).  I need to remember that over eating and "treating" myself is what got me to the weight I am. 

#2...sigh...I'm not proud of it, but I cannot manage my time or plan meals to save my life.  Even though my daughter is a pretty consistent napper, I still can't figure out how to plan an evening meal for us!  It's just her and I in the evenings and I LOVE playing and doing stuff w/ her, but she is a little busy body so she has to be focused on something in order for me to get stuff done (ie cooking).  If she's not focused on something she will become obessive for my attention, or heaven forbid, she will become obessive about the idea that we will eat soon and I will hear "EAT EAT EAT" for 30-45 minutes (or however long it takes to get a plate infront of her!)
Monday night was brutally hot!  I planned on going out to swim, but it was so hot it wouldn't have been any fun, so we headed to the mall and lost track of time.  I had planned to bake fish, but it would have taken 40 minutes from the time we got home, so I decided to stop at Wendy's...I only wanted to get stuff off the value menu, which I did, a chicken sandwich, fries, nuggets and the oh so tempting Frosty (those things are evil!).  I was proud of my choices and the fact that I only spent $4.95.  We got home and the nuggets on the value meal are now SPICY, not ideal for a toddler (way to go Wendy's, nice way to make people get the kid's meals that are more expensive!)...so Evie ate french fries, cucumbers, green peppers, carrots, grapes and oranges.  While I ate a small chicken sandwich, french fries, grapes and oranges.  We have plenty of salad makings, yet I didn't take the time to make one for myself and I just ate what I wanted, even though I know it was not the best choice. 

#3...she's on her way, the Progressive b*tch (total inside joke!), better known as Aunt Flow.  I typically gain 3-8 lbs while on my period.  I seriously need to throw out the scale that week b/c I feel like I'm fighting the whole rest of the month to just get period bloat off and it shows back up the next month.  But why am I gaining that much?  Could it be b/c I'm giving myself carte blanche to eat those "treats" to make myself feel better?  Yep, I'm sure that is part of it, heck, most of it!  I honestly don't think I actually crave anything, but I sure do follow the hype that "during the menstrual cycle women crave    xyz     "
I need to take better control of myself and make healthier choices and make the choice to say "Yep, I'd really like some ice cream, a Snickers bar" or whatever and say, NO!  I don't need it!

#4...I do have 3 scheduled and I plan to work hard at those! 

#5...Seriously, why am I not tracking every BLT (bites, licks and tastes)?  I have a phone that has an app and I can even scan labels and it will input into my tracker!  Pure laziness and I have to get over it!  

I want this, I need this and I have the mental toughness to do it!

Tonight I'm planning on putting together a cucumber salad for the rest of the week, just need to figure out the main dishes.  We have a ton of stuff in our freezer, just have to wrap my head around planning! 

Emotional Maturity

Today's post is inspired by a "mental toughness" seminar that I've been following.

www.fatloser.com

I saw the author on our local news a few weeks ago, he written numerous self-help and mental toughness books and audio series.  His current book is "Die Fat or Get Tough"...I'm awaiting my copy.  His goal in this particular seminar is to help people overcome their emotional immaturity to lose weight.  He wants you "mental tough" so you can get rid of that little voice in your head that talks bad to you, allows you to make poor choices and to give excuses for being fat.  He makes alot of sense.  His 21 day seminar at Fat Loser is free if you want to check it out.

I was behind a few days, so I watched 4 days worth this morning and there was a common theme..."Emotional Maturity;" how we are emotional creatures that can talk ourselves into anything.  My failure to lose weight and stick to a diet is because I lack emotional maturity.  This concept really hit home for me.  I've always been heavy, excuse me, I mean FAT...you can see in pictures from the ages 3-5 how I got fat.  My families eating habits were atrocious, alot of fast food, pizza, no veggies, all starches/carbs.  My mom worked and went to school from the time I was 3-9, we were always on the go.  It was those formative years that I learned nothing about nutrition and eating healthy and I still think that way.  I know better!  I've lost and gained weight many times and the foundation should be healthy/clean eating, which I ignore for "convenience" sake.  I'm tired, I'm to busy, we don't have XYZ...I know better, I'm the adult, yet I allow myself to be lazy and stop by a drive thru. 

Yesterday was a perfect example, I ate well at work, but I got more and more physically tired as the day went on.  I munched on a snack that my partner had brought in (counted the points!) but when I was leaving work, I "needed" some caffeine, so I hit up McDonald's...and rather than just a glass of Diet Coke, I ended up w/ a McDouble value meal.  It's only $3, I'm hungrrrrrrrry, I said to myself.  Did the grease and fat filled sandwich and fries make me feel more energized?  Nope, just the opposite, even though I worked out immediately after, I was still tired and sluggish.  I also told myself I'd change my WW tracker from the Chicken Spaghetti I "planned" to eat for dinner later to the McDonald's.  I told myself I'd have a small salad for dinner...did I?  Well, you probably guessed that I didn't.  I ate my serving of Chicken Spaghetti on top of the McDonald's, which put myself waaaaay over my points for the day, which I did track.  Did I feel less tired or sluggish?  Nope, and I felt guilty on top of it.

The videos today really hit home.  He said things like "behavior follows belief"...well, I believed the  value meal wouldn't sabotage my diet, so I got it.  I was hungrrrrry, so I needed to eat; didn't work out so well for me.  Also, "motivate with logic, not emotion."  My need to lose weight is for physical health, but it's for my mental health also.  I get extremely upset with myself when I make poor choices and when I slack off on working out.  I need to look at my choices logically and teach myself how to change my behavior w/o the underlying emotion. 

I need to truly believe in self talk and mental toughness.  He mentioned an SNL skit w/ Stuart Smiley.  "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it, people like me!" While I chuckled, I immediately thought "I'm good enough, smart enough and I CAN lose this weight!"  He gave a couple of ideas to help and scripts to repeat...so here it goes. 

1.  As an emotional creature, I can talk myself into anything. 
I can take those negative emotions and talk to myself in a positive and logical way to get my eating under control.
2.  I have the ability to handle anything that life throws at me...
I really do.  I can handle anything!
3.  The universe is conspiring to help me get what I want...
I don't necessarily believe this one, but if I say it daily, maybe I can believe it!
4.  I can achieve anything I focus on.
Focus and the mental toughness to struggle on and change my habits and way of thinking!

Salad vs Sandwich smothered in cheese...A losing battle!

How's it going?  How's what going?  My diet, my weight loss, my motivation?  Well, it's waining...already!  I know this happens and it seems to hit me earlier and earlier each time I decide to lose weight.  I had lost 2lbs my first week, and my 2nd?  I gained it back!  No clue why, I tracked everything and I worked out 3-4 times that week, it didn't seem possible!!!
My number one goal...for the month of July,  is to lose weight! I have an overall goal of losing 15lbs by Labor Day. This is what I need to do, what I want to do and what I need to dedicate myself to 100%. 
On Sunday we had dinner out w/ family (2 hrs away from home) and I ate a small breakfast, but totally blew lunch.  The sandwich I ordered SOUNDED like a healthier choice and it was smoothed in so much cheese, any redeeming value of "grilled chicken" was obliterated!  Also I had fries and a couple of small onion rings....blah!  After lunch we decided to travel a little further south to visit more family and we didn't eat anything until we left their house.  Our daughter was sooooooo over tired as we started the trip home, but we knew we had to stop in a drive thru, b/c we were STARVING and she is a french fry officianato, so we had to wait until she was asleep.  9pm, we rolled into McDonald's to split a 20 piece nugget, each had an order of fries and large ice teas.  From the backseat we heard a very sleepy "french frrrrrry"...thankfully, we waited and she fell back to sleep and we didn't have to share!  Yep, I didn't want to share w/ my daughter!  She had eaten fairly healthy all day, as healthy as a toddler can eat when she's being picky, but she actually consumed more fruits and veggies then I did!  Why didn't I order a salad at lunch, then I wouldn't feel so guilty about the drive thru stop?  Well, b/c I've been taught that a salad is "diet" food, rabbit food, just a filler, no flavor, just there to make sure you get your veggies.  I need to change that way of thinking.  I can do ANYTHING w/ a salad, add more veggies, more fruit, try different dressings, oils...everything in moderation, salad's can be unhealthy, of course, but they can also be the main course! 
Monday I just went w/ the flow and my daughters eating.  We got up late so I made cinnamon crescent rolls.  We each enjoyed one of those and fruit.  Lunch was totally skipped for naps and swimming!  (OOPS!) and I can't even remember what we had for dinner.  Dinner wasn't a total bust, I enjoyed a yummy baked potato w/ a slice of bacon and exactly 1/4 cheese and 2 tbsp Brummel Brown butter. 
Tuesday we got an early phone call to open our gate for the lawn guy, so I got up, enjoyed a cup of coffee and homemade breakfast burrito, then worked out at Curves and had a McDonald's Mango Pineapple smoothie afterwards.  Lunch was again skipped for more swimming and a Nutragrain bar.  I'm not trying to skip lunch, but my daughter can't swim after she eats or she vomits horribly, so we hold off and have a snack afterwards and aim for an early dinner.  For dinner I made yummy Chicken Spaghetti, my daughter refused it and it took everything in me not to go back for 3rds (yes, I had 2nds, but the suggested serving size is 1 1/3 cups and I only had 1/2 a cup each serving) and a very nice salad w/ low fat dressing.  I was pretty pleased w/ myself.  Until my daughter went to bed, then I had a homemade strawberry shake and iced animal crackers!

Baby steps, but I have to keep in mind that no one makes me eat poorly...I MAKE THAT DECISION...ME, MYSELF & I!  I can have an occasional treat, but not multiple treats a day or even a week!  I need to think about the month, when/what are we doing that I can enjoy that treat?  How will I change my habits that day in order to enjoy it and not see a gain?  I like my sweets... I need to stop liking them so much!

So today is a new day...I have my lunch packed, I already enjoyed a balanced breakfast and dinner is planned as well. 

Avoid temptation and learn to say NO! 

Those are my goals for today!

Excuses are easy...dedication is hard

As I'm working on my first overall goal of weight loss...or should I say BIG goal, I'm finding I need to set smaller goals for myself.  As a repeat Weight Watcher offender member, I know this.  It should be in my mind, my blood!  Set small achievable goals!   
Have I? Nope...
Will I? Definatley.

I can't sit down and say I'm going to lose 80lbs...well, sure I could, but even as that statement leaves my mouth I'm depressed.  So I'm going to lose 10lbs this month!  I'm going to pay attention to what I eat, how much I exercise and what I'm doing to my body and my mind.  SMALL ACHIEVABLE GOALS!!!

So here we go...My goals for tomorrow...I'm working a 16 hour shift, 7a-7p.
1.  Do my starter workout as soon as I wake up
2.  Pack all food, so it's not necessary to go out.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks & snacks!
3.  Use my WW tracker, no excuse not to!
4.  Take 2 fifteen minute treadmill breaks!
5.  Try to keep stress to a minimum.  Keep it work stress, not emotional stress!

What can I do each day to keep myself on track to reach my goals? 
Make them early or the night before...  Maybe
Make sure they fit the day and are not to lofty... Definately...SMALL ACHIEVABLE GOALS!

Wish me luck!

My first goal...Weightloss.

A goal in mind...That's why I'm writing this...b/c I have a goal in mind...or so I thought.  I WANT to have a goal in mind, I NEED to have a goal in mind, but do I actually have one.  Well, I have many, here is my main goal.

1.  To lose weight...not just any weight, a significant amount.  I'd like to keep a realistic goal in mind, month to month, rather than the whole.  I do have a number in mind, but it looms so far in the distance I just can't say it until I get motivated to the small goals.

257...that is what my scale told me two weeks ago when I stepped on it.  That is the weight I've maintained since I walked (ok, rolled) out of the hospital at Dec 12, 2010 when my brand new baby girl!  Now, there is a plus...I've maintained, lost and gained the same 5lbs, but it's so frustrating.  I see pictures like this...

And it makes me sad, and frustrated and honestly, disgusted.  I don't need the assurances that I'm pretty, cute...whatever!  What I need is motivation!  Motivation to reach a goal!  My goal for weight loss this month is 10lbs.  As of last Sunday I was at 255, I'm on my way.  I'm not going to focus on the ounces, those have always upset me in the past, so I'm going to stick to whole pounds.  I'm going to focus on tracking (thank you Weight Watchers, I know you work, but why I fight you every step of the way...well, that is another post!), and on exercise, movement, playing w/ my girl...anything that gets my butt going!

Here it is on paper (well, on screen!)...the start of my goals.  I have many in mind, that I plan to write about, but baby steps!